What are you driving now?
A client of mine recently shared an experience he’d had at a networking event for high achieving CEO’s and Founders, he said he’d lost count of the number of people that had asked him what his current ‘toy of choice’ was.
The reason this is significant is that nine months earlier he’d started coaching with me and was confused about why he had two cars in the garage he never drove, more importantly he wasn’t actually sure why he’d got them in the first place.
He’s not alone. This is a conversation I have with many clients and usually stems from spending a lifetime externally referencing ‘success’ their car, income, achievements, relationships, who they are in society…..
It’s understandable though, we’ve been brought up in a world where the cultural norms mean that ‘to be enough’ you must strive for ‘stuff’ the car, beautiful home and holiday place in [pick your destination of choice] and if you really care about your children, you will make sure they are privately educated, even if it means you never see them because you’re working so hard to pay for it all…..
While these external markers can provide a sense of accomplishment, relying solely on them is dangerous…. What if it’s taken away? What happens when you sell your business? What if you get divorced and your family dynamics change? What if the role you’ve played in life is taken away or you suffer ill health? We need to find a way to define who we are that isn’t based on this unsafe and weak foundation because life happens and things change.
If you’re using your achievements and the trappings of success to feel good, you will always need something else to feel good again. Let me ask you a direct and potentially challenging question. Who are you without your achievements? More importantly who do you want to be?
One of the tools I use to help clients work out what’s important to them right now (ie their values) is a Motivational Map®. The Map is an accurate way of pinpointing what they want and identifying where they might have an internal conflict which talk therapy alone might not identify.
One of the internal conflicts I see regularly is that of purpose vs prospering. Hence my client’s question; I don’t even know why I bought these cars.
As we move through life our values evolve and change, at one point having an ‘above average’ lifestyle was important to my client. Having spent time living the life he’d dreamed of and starting to reflect on what was important to him and why, he realised he didn’t have the Porsche because he really wanted it, rather he wanted it to feel like he was ‘good enough’ to prove that he was smart and successful which was fuelled by not getting in to the high school his parents had earmarked for him……
He still has a beautiful car, it’s his attachment to what it means that has changed. He knows that he’s enough with or without the car.
If you’ve realised that accumulating stuff doesn’t bring you the pleasure you thought it would, perhaps it’s time to reconsider the metrics being used to define success.
And if you want some help with that….. just reach out.
I’m rooting for you.
